|From the TOY BOX: Target: The Yankees||| Print ||
Written by Peter L. Shanski (Contact & Archive) on March 02, 2003
Bulletin #1. Special to the TOY BOX, from the ABTFNYY Rat's Nest hidden deep within a city owned stadium in the Bronx, on location in Tampa, Florida.
Only in the Rat's Nest will you find the truth about Team Turmoil and its owner, the Grand Poo-bought. For the sake of those fans of the Rat Bastards who stumble into this site, we will define most polysyllabic words (i.e. words with more than one syllable) which would otherwise impede (slow down) their understanding of what is being reported.
The Grand Poo-bought is very upset. An unnamed source close to the situation, speaking on condition of anonymity (secrecy) (Mene Gichaels) revealed that the Boss's most recent tirade (childish foot stomping) has nothing to do with Jerick Deter, his overrated and vastly over paid shortstop, or Toe Jorre's coaches as the sycophantic (ass-kissing) New York media (e.g. Mike Francessa) falsely reports. Rather, the Boss is enraged (very very upset) because last fall’s thrashing by the Anaheim Angels, a team with one-third the Rat Bastard's payroll, destroyed the Grand Poo-bought's most recent grand dream. The Boss planned to coerce Jorre to name all eight Rat Bastard position players, the designated hitter, all pitchers with a .500 winning percentage, and oft injured Rariano Mivera (who is concealing a seriously sore arm), to the American League All-Star roster. (His proposal that fan balloting be done away with and that the starting All-Stars be designated according to their salary ranking was soundly defeated at the winter meeting.) The scheme to name all the Rat Bastards to the All-Star team was to have been the Boss's ultimate "screw-you” to baseball, and had secretly been approved by the brain-dead Commissioner of Baseball Sud Bieleg, but the rally monkey scuttled (defeated) that plan.
Left with no other present purpose in his life - there are no All-Star free agents to sign until next year (when Vladimir Guierro of the Montreal Meltdown, possibly Pedro Martinez of the Boston Trainwrecks and Miguel Tejeda, last year’s MVP for the Oakland Athletics, come on to the market) - all the Grand Poo-bought can do is rant that his coaches are not coaching his over paid complaisant All-Stars hard enough and become insanely jealous over his mediocre shortstop's nocturnal (night time) adventures. Tejeda is the man the Boss would really like to name captain of the Rat Bastards.
So now you know, as Paul Harvey (a famous radio newsman and commentator) says, the rest of the story.